wow!

i know its been about forever and a day since i've posted anything. but its been a longtime since i've been on any website besides facebook! lol!

its hard to belive that this time last yr i was dating jon! lol! i have had 2 bf's since then but right now im with Edward. ^_^ he mkes me very happy.

i also finally got my license! which i am very very happy about

life

life is a road of confusion, pain, and happiness. sometimes pain opens a door of love and sometimes confusion opens a door of understandng and sometimes happiness opens a brand new door of pain. but you have to go through pain to be happy, you have to go through confusion to understand and you have to go through both to be happy. It's life... you have to deal with it... but i've learned that no matter what you go through there's always a silver lining. Every pain, every hurt, every cut, every bruise it will always heal with time... i may be upset. i may be unhappy, but that does not mean i will give up. it does not mean my life is over. it means it's time for a new beginning and time to start over. i have lost alot of people over this past year but it just made me realize who my true friends are and who are the fakes.... i have lost an entire family because of my ignorance but it made me realize who i really am and who i want to be. I have a new beginning, a fresh start and i am going to take advantage of it. just because i am upset is no reason to give up. i will be ok in time... i will be happy in time... i just have to get used to the fact that these people are no longer in my life....

Change of plans

so as you have probably noticed i havent posted much lately.... well thats because i have been living with my daddy in antioch... yes that is correct you heard me right. i am no longer living in blissful perfect danville... i am living in the ghetto antioch! ugh! but oh well i love my daddy so its worth it. i will be in town till friday the 22 then i am on my way back home. my plans have definatly changed but oh well....

boring

so i havent had much of an interesting life lately.... my life is kinda spiraling downhill and i cant seem to find the strength to stop it but oh well i can deal...i've been at the bottom of the hill before... i'm used to it... i really miss a few people who are currently not in my life but i can't do anything about it. that's nasically all that is going on... i'm currently depressed and bored out of my sane mind.... haha

It's been a while

It has definitely been quite a while since i last posted... i thought i would fill u in....
Things are kinda hectic over here but manageable. My best friend thinks i have made a mistake by getting back together with Cody but i don't. I'm perfectly content with my decision... anyway other than that i have decided to live with my dad this summer i think. and i have dyed my hair back to it's natural blond color lol. but not much has really happened. my teachers at school think i am depressed for some odd reason but I'm not sure why... ya i have barely spoken a word in almost 2 weeks and have been sleeping constantly but is that being depressed???... my psychologist thinks it's because I've lost people who were very important to me but i dont really know if that's it... who knows all i know is i havent spoken at all today except for over text to my bf but i am really tired so i think it's time for a nap lol. i will post again in a couple day or maybe tomorro if i am at my computer

as you already know

mine and jon's relationship is over, including friendship now. i will no longer be going to see him or talk to him on that note. we are no longer friends.... but i guess thats just how things were meant to be right now...i'll miss him and his family but who knows maybe i'll come into contact with them again one day when i've straightened out my life....

done trying

i am done trying with him! i try to be friends with him! i try to be nice to him and all he does is turn around and treat me like crap. he toys with my feelings and says he "misses me." BULL CRAP!!!! i am done putting forth effort into a friendship that isnt working. maybe jon and i were just one of those relationships that start and then stop talking/ being friends when it ends. i hate to admit that but i feel like its what he wants. he hurt me so badly last night and i am done. if he wants to be friends he needs to put forth some effort and contact me from now on. i am not going to contact him any longer, and if he has a problem with me and his mom/family having a relationship then thats his problem because his family has welcomed me in since day one and still now even though we are not together anymore... if jon wants to be friends he needs to prove that he is worth my time.

pregnant???

so i hope you all had a great Easter... i know i did!

so an update on my pregnancy is kinda scary... so i went in today to get a whole bunch of tests done and they said that my blood test came out negative and that im not pregnant but i have an ovarian cyst n my uterus. which isnt cancerous but that's what the spot was on the ultrasound... i go in again friday to see if i need to have it removed or if it's fine just to leave it. thats also whats been causing me to feel sick... just lovely right?

new boyfriend ^_^

so i have a new boyfriend and he knows about my possible pregnancy and he says he doesnt care. he still loves me and wants to be with me. he said he'll even help if i keep the baby. On monday i have an appt. with my ob-gyn and they will give me a pelvic exam because she thinks that it's a false negative

Pregnant

so it's basically for sure that i am pregnant.... Fricken lovely! I cant believe this! why now?! why me?! i dont get it! well i do i just cant believe this!
i was the one who made the decision though... but it takes 2 to tango so it's just as much my fault as it is his... JUST LOVELY! the father of my child is not even dating me anymore! this is not how i wanted to start out my life! i hate this! But i did make the decision so i have to take responsibility for my actions...

i have a question

is there so such thing as a false negative on a pregnancy test? because i still have not had my period and it's been almost 4 weeks since it was supposed to start. i went into plan parenthood and got a test but it came out negative... so is there so such thing as a false negative?

happy

so today i am going to go see this guy who i really like and i think he is going to maybe ask me out! ^_^ i am very happy right now! my life is now amazing! (surprisingly) i cant wait till 3pm

Falling to peices!

i am so sick of this! UGH!!! i am going through hell at the worst possible stage it could be! so basically my best friend slept with my ex boyfriend and then lied about it for about 4 days and then i found out from him! then i find out that my ex bf also has cancer and has very little time left to live! Fricken lovely! just what i need to find out!

Antoinette - call me

look i never meant i didnt want to be friends, you are my sister. you didnt cross the line he did. i am done with him that's all i can say... please do not tell him any of this. i'll tell him when i am ready to talk to him again... look i am sorry for missunderstanding and correct me if i am wrong but i have heard from reliable scources that you two slept together or that you WANTED to sleep with him. look give me a call so we can talk please

AAAAGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

UGH! i am so DONE! i am done with the fighting! i am done with the stress! i am done with everything that makes me feel this way! i am pissed off to the max and stressed more than i could say! i am so sick of being angry. i think i am done. i think its time i move on with my life and get on with everything else. no more drama. no more stress. no more anything! i am moving on! i deserve more than to be treated like this! if you are my friend than i need to know the truth about everything if you are not then see ya. but i refuse to sit back and be treat like (to put it bluntly) to be treated like shit! i am sick of it! i am not putting up with anymore drama! i am not putting up with anymore fights! i am not putting up with any bull shit! I deserve more than this!

I am not trying to be a bitch i am just sick of it! the drama with james is driving me up the freakin wall! i know you're pregnant so i can understand (this post does not go directly to you it's to everyone who is treating me like crap and everyone who is being moody to me) look hun, i need to know. if you have done anything with cody besides what happened at del valle...
you both have promised me you wouldnt see eachother alone unless i was there! and that really upsets me! i dont care if it was even 5 minutes! alot can happen in that ammount of time! no more being with him alone! same goes for him no more being with you alone! you would understand where i am coming from if you were going through what i am. you have no idea how much it hurts to know that MY BOYFRIEND cheated on me with MY BEST FRIEND! you have no idea! how would you feel if i went and kissed john or max?! when you like both of them! i wouldnt do that! i know it wasnt entirely you i have told cody the same thing. but enough is enough. we need to sit down and have a heart to heart if the 3 of us want to stay friends. i love you toni but i cant just sit back and watch my boyfriend fall in love with my best friend! it's killing me! I LOVE HIM! and he's falling in love with you! i cant stand it!

a bit better

so I'm starting to feel a bit better today. I'm not coughing as much as i was yesterday and my throat doesn't hurt as much either. Although i am losing my voice but that is from yelling at a lot of little one's! but ya. i am SO excited for Sunday! i get to go see my boyfriend and i cant wait! honestly things have definitely changed in the past few weeks. well since February 24th things have changed(the day Jon and i broke up) but things are pretty good now! my life is turning around even more and improving every day! honestly things couldn't be better right now! Life as i knew it is different. I mean i can say that when i turn 18 i am moving out of state and my boyfriend asked me to be his steady girlfriend last night and i accepted. we got to talking and if things work out with us we are moving to Wyoming or Kentucky or somewhere along the southern lines. if we stay in the area we'll most likely move to Sunol which is my favorite place in the bay area! but who knows? my life is definitely turning around!

on another note i miss talking to Jon it's almost as though I am closer to Dana(his mom) than him for pete's sake i am closer to JAKE(his 13 yr old brother) than him! i miss him alot! we don't even talk anymore! and if we do it's on a rare occasion! or if he needs something! why cant we just have a ormal friendship!? i really dont get it but its fine i guess he just doesnt feel ready to be friends or something who knows? I know he's going through some rough times but he could atleast call me every once in a while! Jon if you read this know that i miss you. i miss talking to my best friend. Please call me

Sick!

UGH! Honestly, i feel like crap today! I have been coughing all day!!! and frankly i am sick of it! my throat hurts, i have a fever, im congested, i have a runny nose, watery/itchy eyes, a headache the size of flippin texas, my cough sounds like a walrus and now the doctor thinks i have bronchitis! FRICKEN LOVELY! i cant afford to be sick right now! UGH! i have a project due tomorro! UGH!!!!!! I am not Happy at the moment! being sick is not my specialty! I really do not want to be sick right now! i cant be sick! NO! this needs to go away! NOW! grrr!

New Haircut

im a bit dissapointed with my hair at the moment because it's so short but i'll deal with it. i mean its cute but i am not thrilled with the length... but here are some pics of it anyway

MY HAIR!!!!!!!

UUUGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i am rather pissed off right now, my hair stylist said i have to cut my hair... fricken lovely! its finally starting to get long again and now she says i have to cut it because the dye killed it! UGH!!!!!! i was hoping that for once i could grow it out but noooo i have to cut it! just lovely! oh well i guess ill have to get the extensions in the mall and deal with short hair! gosh darn it! oh well i guess i have to deal with it GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

BIG SHOCK!!!

so i went to planned parenthood and got a pregnancy test and shockingly it came out negative! yay! no more worries and no more being scared!!!!! lol! but i am now on birth control so i can be sure if anything like this ever happens again i can be safe!!!!

ugh! BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE!!!!!

i am so so so so SO STUPID!!!!!
so a couple of weeks ago i decided to go to my(now) boyfriends house when there was a party and i think i slept with him! UNPROTECTED!!!! god am i stupid or what?! and today i took a pregnancy test and it came out POSITIVE!!!! GOD! I hate my LIFE!!!! i am 17 years old! i am not in ANY WAY ready to be a mother!!!! i would never have expected this so soon! i want kids but not this soon! for god's sake i am not even an adult yet! UGH! i am not ready for this yet! i wanted my 1st kid between the ages of 20 to 25 not 17!!! ADVICE???? ANYONE?????!!!!!

broken phone drama!!!

i absolutly hate myself right now!!!!

so today i decided to go to del valle in livermore with my boyfriend and best friend and i ended up jumping into the lake and completely forgot that my phone was in my DAMN POCKET!!!!! god i am so stupid!!!!!!!!!! i CAN NOT believe i did that! wow... i must be tired to have forgotten to take my cell out of my pocket. next time i will make sure to check my pockets! but now i have to do heck of work to pay off the phone and the new one i will be getting, ugh! i have gone through 27 phones in the past 3 years and here comes #28 great i wonder how many phones i can go through in a lifetime. lets count and see! haha...maybe not. i think i'd lose track. i really hope its not hard labor that i have to go through to work this off!

UGH!!!! BOYS!!!!

so i trued calling Jon last night and he told me and i quote... "im watching TV u need to stop being clingy. we are NOT dating anymore!" i havent xalled him all week! what the heck did i do?! i've texted him like twice cause i thought he was mad at me cause thats what i heard but me asking him just caused him to be pissed off at me. and i think he's also pissed cause i have made a slight friendship with his mom.
then i get anither text saying "holy sh*t just f***ing stop with 'are you mad at me?' and sh*t like that" ive asked him that once.....
i dont know what i did wrong but i guess if he's not going to put an effort into this friendship than neither am i. i want t o be his friend but i refuse to be treated like dirt i will not stand for it!
i';; just stay close with his family and if he wants to talk to me he can.......

things are coming out of the dark

I felt like crap when Jon broke up with me a couple weeks ago but i am finally starting to feel much better. i've been an emotional roller coaster... up and down, up and down, for the past two weeks, but now my grades are improving, my mom and i are NOT FIGHTING(thats a huge plus!), im talking to my sister again. i feel amazing! but at the same time i do miss Jon. i mean i know it takes time to heal and i know i have a boyfriend but when i am with Cody all i can think about is Jon. but hey i'm 17 i have plenty of time to find the one. i've got a good 20 years before i start looking old and unattractive! HaHa! but i mean maybe things between Jon and I were just meant to be the way they are. I love being friends with him even though I miss him i need to have my own life and so does he. Now i think i understand why it ended. Besides i dont need a boyfriend, i have amazing friends and family who love me and my life couldnt be better but things are looking up. I am no longer sobbing and crying over him although i will always miss him. He showed me that i can be myself even around guys he also showed me that i can trust guys too.

Dana, you have an amazing son and any girl would be lucky to have him as a boyfriend . he treats women with respect and dignity. he is not like most guys... you definatly raised him well. he is a complete gentleman and its hard to find guys like that now days. Your son definatley reflects your personality because he is alot like you. and it's the same with all of your boys. even Brennen has your spunk and joyful attitude!

Jon, if you are reading this i wish you the best of luck and i hope you are happy. i do miss you but you deserve to be happy and have your own life. i'll move on. i'll be ok. thank you for everything Jon. you really turnedmy life around.

hangin by the last string

so i am still hanging on. dealing with it day by day but it's hard. i miss him more every day but life goes on i guess. i mean when your boyfriend dumps you what are you supposed to do? just sit back and pretend nothing is wrong? no i cant do that. i still love him more than i can even say but i have to deal with it. the song breathe by taylor swift is my bible at the moment, she is amazing. her music is so helpful cause its like her lyrics are my exact thoughts. but honestly i miss him so much i know he's younger than myself by alot but still i dont see how you can just stop loving someone in a second. gosh love is hard. and i was asked out today and i dont know what to say cause i still am hopelessly in love with jon....

Dana? help me please???? if you can?
or anyone at that matter?

it's over

He ended Tuesday night and i feel like crap. ever since then the room has been spinning and i feel like everything is a dream. i felt sick to my stomach this morning and threw up at school because (according to my doctor) i am having an emotional breakdown but i'll deal i guess i already miss him and its only been 2 days

LOSING MY SANITY!!!

why am i letting this get to me so much!? i dont get it! ugh!!! love is so confusing! he says he loves me then turns around and barely talks to me! oh ya one measly conversation in 6 days! what is happening to him?! he is not the boy i fell in love with months ago! oh whatever if he's going to be done then i guess i'm going to have to be when he says it's over. if he says it. idk whats happening right now but i guess i'm going to find out

UUGGHH!!!!

i love him so much but i'm starting to get really hurt. i feel so lost and confused! he hasnt called me in 3 days! DAMN! i hate this! what did i do wrong!? i've been hounding him about calling me and still nothing! i've called his mom, his brother, the house phone, and his cell and he ignores it! the only words i have heard from him in 3 days is "i'm watchin tv right now i'll call later if i get a chance" and he never called me back!!!! i am feeling so hurt that i actually cried myself to sleep last night!!!!! Damnit damnit damnit! i am so flippin frustrated i cant stand it!

E.R. Trip

so i had to go to the E.R. last night because i was having severe abdominal pain in my lower right side of my stomach and back. it turns out i have a ovarian cyst on one of my ovaries. oh my god that trip took so much out of me! the iv in my arm left a bruise and a few red marks because they had to stick me more than once cause they couldn't find my vein! it hurt so bad! then i had to drink this nasty dye stuff that tasted like soap and flat sprite! YUCK! my boyfriend said it was the most disgusting thing he had ever tasted and yes he was right it was horrible! i ended up throwing it up! YUCK! once again! but i am home now and i feel much better but if the cyst doesnt take care of itself within a week then i have to get it surgically removed! yikes!

He's changed my life(FORGET THAT I WAS WRONG)

i never thought i would see the day that i became happy again... he makes me happier than i have ever been! my life has completely turned around thanks to him! he has showed me that i can trust myself and the people around me! My life has dramatically changed but for the better! i honestly never thought i would say this but i think i have fallen for him. i think i may have fallen in love with him! he means more to me than words can even express! when he told me he loved me for the first time i felt like he truly meant it. and when i said it back his eyes glowed with excitement and happiness. This picture was taken sometime in December. It was like our 3rd kiss i think but it felt like the 1st. Haha! His dog Tonka is looking at us like "what the HECK?! HAHA! i love tonka! but i love Jon more! :) He makes me feel so flawless and perfect when i am around him i love it!

Little Trouble Maker!

So the past couple of days i spent at my daddy's house. I basically relaxed all of Wednesday and Thursday. But today was a handful! oh my Goodness!!! my 3 year old baby sister was good most of the day until she started to get tired... O.o

so she decided that while i was half asleep she was going to take the red nail polish and paint both feet entirely! i heard something break and walked into the kitchen to see red nail polish bottle broken and her feet cover in dry red polish from earlier! i had to strip her down and throw her in the tub to scrub her feet off. Oh lord! oh and not to mention she got it all over the carpet as well! this definatly taught me you cant leave a 3 year old alone for more than a few seconds. oh and all of this happened within the course of 10 minutes! i have no idea how she got the nail polish off the top shelf but she did... oh my! i will never do that again! i love my sister but she needs to learn to stay out of stuff!!! >:(

anyway after the day was almost over Toni came to pick me up from my dad's house and we went back to her place for a movie and then i went home. but ya i had fun. it was stressful but definatly worth it cause i love my sister and i would do anything for her.

I feel horrible!

so i have this boyfriend. His name is Jon. He is the oldest of many brothers. 5 to be exact. no sisters just boys. see he's alot younger than myself. He's 14 and i just turned 17. it's about a 2 1/2 year difference. see we both lied to his mom and told her i just turned 16 but that was a big mistake see i went to their house today not expecting jon to be there and was going to talk to his mom(Dana) alone. i had completely forgot what time it was and when i looked at my watch it was 320 and realized "OH NO! jon will be home!" but i was already there. so when they pulled up i was going to pull her aside and tell her my real age anyway but unexpectedly she knew before i could even say anything. 1st thing a isaid was "why is jon not getting out of the car?" and i was laughing. then she says "Oh maybe it's cause he knows i'm mad about the fact you lied to me and told me you were 16 not 17." i felt so bad! i wanted to tell her myself before she found out from my cousin. but stupid me forgot about it. we kinda ended up laughing about it but i understand that she is still upset with both of us and i dont blame her. in her words "telling the truth is much better than lying because the consiquence isn't as rough" honestly though she's right we should've told the truth to begin with. I feel so bad extrememly bad and i pary and hope she forgives me.

-------------------------------------------------
Dana,
I truly am sorry for lying. I feel terrible and i'm sure Jon does too. Honestly the only reason we lied was because we knew you most likely wouldn't let us date. But I only lied because i truly care about Jon and he truly cares about me :) i just hope you'll forgive me for everything and i apologize greatly for what we did i just can't get it out of my head so i thought i'd write about it Haha! well once again i am sorry
sincerely,
Isabella